I’ve upgraded and not in a way that is good.
My weight continues to go up, and so naturally I had to go up in jean size.
A meltdown followed.
I’ve done more diets than I care to count, tried every pill, had every shake, signed up for every challenge, I’ve fasted, I’ve eaten intuitively, I’ve been hypnotised, and now my body is saying ‘fuck you.”
Fuck you for all the days of starvation I will now hold on to every morsel you eat.
Fuck you for all the ‘boxes’ you’ve put food in you’ve now made eating so complicated.
Fuck you for all the synthetic drugs and supplements you’ve ingested you’ve now ruined the natural digestive movements your internal organs are supposed to do.
Fuck you for all the do’s and don’t’s you’ve told yourself now I can no longer decipher when I’m hungry and when I’m full.
Fuck you for all the times you went from zero to hardcore in your physical movement. I now ache and feel completely battered and bruised.
You have punished me, shamed me, hidden me. You have starved me, overfed me, tortured me.
You’ve hated me, pitied me, never truly embraced me.
At my thinnest, you still scorned me.
At my fittest, you still despised me.
At my most miraculous baby creating, growing and nurturing moments, five times over, you still picked at me.
When will we stop this mind versus body battle? When will you see life is short and it doesn’t care what you weigh.
Life wants you to live it.
Not hide from it.
Open your eyes.
Be kinder to yourself.
You’re a grown arsed woman for fucks sake!
Treat me like a friendship – nourish and nurture me.
Give me a hug when needed.
Support me at difficult times.
Thank me for all I do no matter what you put me through.
We are in this together, and without one another, we are like a car without a driver.
A cup of coffee without the cup.
A plant without the soil.
You don’t need anything to make you better. You don’t need anything to improve you.
You are perfect the way you are; you just have to love all facets of yourself, including me.